I am calmly addressing to you this open letter with the intention of clarifying some of the details that, in my opinion, are stopping you from finding what you are craving for.
If in an earlier post I wrote about the ‘most frequent mistakes in a D/s relationship’, in this occasion I would like to present you with some scattered ideas, which in my opinion, prevent you from even getting even close to have a D/s relationship.
On the one hand, I understand that everyone tries to accommodate a D/s relationship to their needs and tries to make it them, but on the other hand, I am sure we would agree if I said that, in order to establish any type of relationship, one should know exactly what he or she is looking for before starting it. It would also be convenient to know the real prospects of the relationship and the possibilities to be able to carry it out in a fulfilling way for everyone involved in that relationship. Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe that up to this point we all should agree with what I have just said. Basically, we all look for someone who completes us, who makes us grow as a person and who enriches our lives. Someone who one can intimate with, and someone who one can completely trust to surrender to and to give up to in a healthy way, because basically, they both equally surrender to each other. It is not only the submissive person who surrenders to the Dominant one despite of what most people might think and in spite of the restless efforts of those who try to persuade us and make us believe otherwise with their cheap slogans
If the main goal is to have a healthy relationship with another person, where do all these myths about the saver Owner come from? I cannot really understand it. Firstly, because neither We -the Dominants- are skilled enough to save anyone from their own demons nor the submissive ones should need to be saved. A D/s relationship is simply a relationship between two or more people in where one of them leads and rules and the other one follows and gives up according to a number of mutual and consensual agreements. Full stop. That’s it. Then, if you want a D/s relationship to look more flamboyant or kinkier, it is okay, it is up to you, but it will only look that way in your mind. Besides, the more extravagant you want your relationship to be, the more difficult it will be for you to find someone who is willing to agree to your expectations.
In order to achieve a healthy and safe surrender in a D/s relationship it is important to consider the level of maturity of both the submissive, who wants to give himself up to someone, and the Dominant person. By the level of maturity, I do not mean any specific age, but the level of self-awareness of both of them. I also mean that it would be beneficial to consider the desires and the prospects that every person involved in that relationship has, and how much they are willing to offer and invest in the relationship.
In my opinion, another common mistake is when one of the participants in a D/s relationship focuses only on receiving, and there should be an end to that sacrosanct dependency. A particular dependency that most people like to show off in social media.
I am aware that the bond in a D/s relationship leads to a certain dependency in one another but this dependency should not be created at the expense of taking advantage of any of the participants in the relationship, and unfortunately, that is something I have noticed from the comments and messages that I often receive. We neither should accept a dependency that it is considered to be clearly pathological nor should let others make us believe that this type of unhealthy bond is acceptable with the excuse that we are involved in a BDSM or D/s relationship. That’s enough.
I am amazed with the numerous tweets that I read on Twitter, which I used to read before in other social networking sites. There is a belief in which the submissive person, regardless its gender, is considered to be an inferior human being who needs to be protected and, honestly, this belief is completely false and no-one should think otherwise.
If on the other hand, you feel defenceless and helpless, and what you are wishing for is someone who guides you both outside and inside a BDSM relationship, maybe you should ask yourself if a D/s relationship is the best relationship type for you, regardless how much you would like to be spanked and tied up. If you like to be spanked, fair enough, but then look for someone who you can play with instead of starting a D/s relationship that you do not need at all and that you can’t keep it on long-term.
It also works the other way around. If you are the Dominant person do not create the bonds with the submissive if you cannot commit yourself to him or her in a long run. Both the Dominant and the submissive should make their minds up, talk to each other, but do not play around because that is not beneficial for anyone.
There are a lot of people who consider themselves to be submissive and who feel that if something goes wrong in a relationship it is because the other person is trying to take advantage of them. If you do not receive in a relationship what you think you deserve or what you think you need, automatically you will end up thinking that the other person is constantly trying to take advantage of you. Some relationships simply do not work, people do not get along with everyone, the prospects of the relationship might not be the same for both participants, so if your relationship fails it is not necessarily due to the fact that the whole BDSM community is against you. Maybe you should stop for a second and try to realise if your perspective is right. Could anyone come across someone out there who might want to take advantage of you? Of course, this could happen, because that is the way the human being behaves and acts, and bad people are everywhere. We live together with narcissists and psychopaths who can be either Dominants or submissive because reality is that they do not care about the role. What they really care about is taking advantage of you, so they can feel better with themselves. They rely on other people and they drain us because they need the so-called ‘narcissist supply’. So, they feel very comfortable, safe and protected in the BDSM community, because in order to feel the experience of being ruled by a Dominant person, most people lower their guard, are less vigilant and cautious, and are not careful enough.
If you do not really know what you want for yourself without giving in to the siren calls of false and dangerous D/s relationships, I strongly recommend you to stay away from BDSM. Make your mind up first and do not lie to yourself. Do you want an Owner? Is it a partner what you want? Do you want a lover? Do you want to be spanked and that’s all? Do you want the other person to please you and do only what you want? Think thoroughly, be open about what you want and do not lie to yourself and the other person.
BDSM is not always a cool place in which you can find tolerant and open-minded people, with a broad knowledge about the human mind and who will bring to your life a great amount of astonishing kinky experiences together with musical soundtracks and special effects.
In the BDSM world it is more likely that you come across the same type of people that you could find anywhere else. I mean, both genuinely generous people and evil people with a hidden agenda, which consists in taking advantage of as many people as possible. That’s the reality. People in the BDSM community, which includes Myself, are not better than anyone else, We only have a different sexuality. Despite what people might think about Ourselves, We actually are like everyone else, so We can also be known for our meanness whilst We pretend to be better persons that We actually are. And on top of that, We practice sexual activities which can also be dangerous. Did you really think that BDSM was a glamorous world with refined good manners? I also thought it and had that conception of BDSM from the pictures I saw, from the web sites, from the narratives about D/s relationships, from the protocols, from the ceremonies, from the collars… I was fascinated about the BDSM world, and I did not want to believe that that incredible world could have room for things like face sitting, fisting, feminization, ball busting or humiliation.
Like in every single theatre play there is a stage machinery behind the curtains which cannot be seen by inexperienced eyes. Some of Us try to constantly warn Our readers about the fact that it is just a facade, that it is just a performance, whilst others try to hide the reality to the eyes of naive and incautious people with the only intention of making them swallow the bait and falling the prey.
With regards to FemDom, when you look for an Owner, I suggest you to know what you really expect from Her and what you are willing to offer Her. Do you want Her to transform you into a sissy and, at the same time, do you expect Her to keep an eye on your medical appointments and the time you need to spend with your children? Do you want her to manage your money, and at the same time, do you want Her to be organised, painstaking and generous? Would you like Her to be prepared any time you have a sexual urge? Do you wish Her to keep a constant eye on you, but are you only available whenever your family commitments and responsibilities allow you to? Do you want her to become your key holder and are you constantly begging for a relief, whilst you’d also like Her to humiliate you further? Do you want Her to be in charge of your appearance, to tell you what you can eat, who you go out with and the time you need to be back home?… If you are looking for something similar to what I have just described, have you ever thought about what you are willing to give in return? What can you offer Her? Do you have time not just for looking for your Dominant Woman but for also getting to know Her inside out? Because We all want something in return? We all want to be rewarded for our dedication and commitment, and I am not talking about being rewarded with money, I mean any other personal rewards.
Why am I asking all these questions that come randomly to my mind? Because I believe that there are a lot of people expecting from the BDSM things that, actually, are unlikely to get, because they are basically and simply looking for someone who changes completely their lives, someone who becomes their guru, a master in life, a psychologist or a mental coach. They try to find someone who can fix their personal flaws and weaknesses, and no-one is ever going to be able to do such things, not even an experienced spanker, or an expert in either electro stimulation or shibari. Because, basically, the expert in electro stimulation or in shibari do not need to be a professional psychologist, a doctor or a nurse to be able to tie you up or to provide you with some sort of electro stimulation. They only need to have a certain degree of knowledge and the necessary experience doing those things to be able to carry them out in a safe way, and to build a reputation which I am sure will be questioned by many people.
An expert on those mentioned skills not necessarily should have empathy, or be able to read another people’s state of mind. They do not even need to be a social person and they are not going to devote their lives to you just because you rely on them and you want them to play with you. Maybe, if you both get along, he might be able to provide you with a beautiful experience, but nothing else. So, if you feel disappointed later because you thought that this person would pay more attention to you, you should question the reasons why this did not happen.
We are all a bit self-centred in a way and a submissive person could be quite a lot more. Despite his desire to let go, his willingness of servitude, and many other set phrases that they end up learning by heart as a consequence of being constantly exposed to them, the reality is that most of those self-named submissive people are often very selfish and they either transform or try to transform their Owner for Her to fulfil his needs, and if She does not utterly please them, they move on to another profile very quickly. The do not even hesitate. And it is not because there might be a lot of Dominant Women available on the web sites, it is because they cannot cope with their necessity of being ruled by a Woman. Although We should not take them seriously because they call surrender to anything.
I do not wish to go on for too long, otherwise I can end up beating around the bush. What I would really like to say at this point is that, considering the fact that it is quite likely to come across one of these pseudo-submissive people, I would really think very carefully to be someone else’s Owner at this moment of time because I feel lazy and I am not willing to invest the amount of time needed to get to know someone else inside out, to be able to identify if he comes with a dangerous background or not, and I do not know if that person will be worth my time, my effort and my dedication.
I am not sure if after hours and hours of endless conversations I will find a childish adult wanting me to be responsible for his life. Not to mention those who constantly moan, who are bitter after years and years waiting for the right Dominant to arrive to their lives, and those who try to manipulate you and lie to your face. The indecisive ones, and the ones who do not understand why I like to take my time.
Could you help me take some pictures for my profile? Could you tell me how to pose and so on, I have noticed that your pictures are very artistic? I do not mean you to come to my house and take the pictures, but with the webcam/mobile phone you can show me how to do it.
Think about what BDSM is for you and what you want to get out of it. I always thought that it was a subculture of ways to socialise, of links and ways of expression beyond the sexual field. However, now I am changing my perception and I believe BDSM is becoming a kind of shop window with alternative sexualities and practices. It is becoming something kinkier in a non-pejorative way, and it less of a culture, not as rooted as I thought it was, because I believe that the D/s relationship that I always loved so much, especially the ones which I have wrote about so many times, are in the doldrums due to the amount of nonsense expectations.
In conclusion, I am not here to assume other people’s luggage, to listen to endless boring stories full of excuses, or to socialise with unstable people, who you can very easily find in BDSM web sites. I am not even here to be responsible for some childish adult. In BDSM, one has to come with, at least, some balanced mental health and with a solid self-steam. Otherwise, they are vey likely to have bad experiences because social media is full of big hungry sharks.
To the submissive people: expecting someone to be responsible for your own life because you do not know what to do with it, in my opinion, it is a big mistake. If you don’t have any goals in life or you are frustrated because you cannot find the craved perfect Dominant Woman who will fulfil your desires, who will be in charge of your chastity, of your problems, who will guide you and will be your lighthouse in so many difficult and dark situations, who will lift yourself up, who will be available anytime you need Her, who will provide you with kinky experiences, and you are frustrated because you cannot find Her… I suggest you to think why you cannot find Her. Don’t you think it is quite overwhelming to expect someone to do all those things for you? Why don’t you shorten the expectations and try to get to know each other first without being in a rush or burden the other person with something which is your own life?
To the Dominant people: are you really capable of guiding and being responsible of someone beyond the kinky games that turn you on? Frankly, do you feel capable to invest hours, days, months, carefully listening to the person you want to control? Are you willing to keep learning new things every day and to continue improving Your Dominant skills? Are you willing to analyse yourself to see how far you want to get? Are you going to be generous with the submissive person and don’t get bored if things are not how you expected them to be? Is this person you are craving to put the collar on really who completes you? Or are you just trying to show off for everyone to envy your seductive skills? Are you totally in charge of your life to start being responsible for the submissive person’s life?
Honestly, sometimes most of you, submissive people, go too far with your fantasies on what a D/s relationship should be like. We Dominant people also have problems, fears, needs, frustrations and anxiety.
Now, it is time for all of us to reflect on what we all look for in BDSM. You might be surprise with the answers that you might get.
Thanks for reading me!
(translation by sammy)